Tapeworm's State of the Legion Address

My fellow demons, it brings me great pleasure to stand before you with such good news. After a long and arduous battle on many fronts in America, I am delighted to confirm that we are making great strides on the political and economic fronts. As gratifying as this is, nothing brings me more joy than to report the verifiable attrition and conversion to socialism of the next generation of America's Christians.

Turn your attention to the big screen to view some of the inspiring results coming out of America. These reports clearly show our success in systematically destroying the worldview of children from Christian families. Remember, this is a key strategy in bringing down this "last and greatest bastion of freedom," to quote that scoundrel Mr. Reagan.

I am literally salivating over all of the favorable reports coming out the United States. It was seven short years ago when we saw our first real evidence of attrition from the Southern Baptist Council on Family Life Report, which warned the church that "88 percent of the children raised in evangelical homes leave church at the age of 18." Fearing it might be a fluke, we held our breath and hoped...

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